Are we dysregulated all the time? And why it’s ok that i am not Zen Mommy.

You ever have days where you wish you were a different person ? No? Just me ?

Today was one of those days . Actually it's been one of those weeks.

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Days where I wish I was less sensitive, more structured, felt less and that I was more in “control” of my feelings. Um an illusion .

This illusion presents to me in the form of Zen Mommy. If I was super chill and unbothered yet also scheduled our lives to the minute , I wouldn’t get overwhelmed by the emotions of the tiny people around me. I would never raise my voice and wouldn't be annoyed at having to be a couples therapist , camp counselor and short order cook . In fact I would enjoy it all the time and look flawless while doing it. Breathing would center me so much I would be a different person entirely 🤪. Sounds ridiculous right ? And yet this is the image of a perfect Mom I hold on to and if I am honest, the image I see a lot . And when I , as a highly sensitive, deeply feeling , less structured person compare myself to that image I fall short daily.

Maybe your version looks different. And you're beating yourself up about something totally unrelated. Maybe you wish you were less anxious and more confident. Less disorganized and more motivated. Less structured and more creative. Less sad and more happy . Some other illusion that is not perfectly you. It’s always less of something and more of another because the grass is always greener on the other side, isn't it?

But it’s not. I will tell you that this is a normal human phenomenon, the comparing and longing thing . In my years of being a therapist everyone has something that they don't like about themselves or that they want to change. Meanwhile there's someone out there that is secretly desiring what they have .

We can be so hard on ourselves! When so much of how we navigate our lives is actually kind of out of our control. Of course we can add coping skills and grow but ultimately the overall how is going to be determined by our unique makeup based on our experiences, temperament, nervous system and brain .

If, in your comparisons you have ever wondered why some appear so calm or unbothered in certain situations while you are stressed out , spoiler alert it’s not because there is something wrong with you. It has to do with something called your window of tolerance.

So today, I want to talk about window of tolerance which might be less familiar to you. And emotional dysregulation, which you might have heard about more as it’s quite the buzzword these days.

Developed by Dan Siegel, a popular and well respected neuroscience researcher and psychiatrist with lots of fabulous books…Window of Tolerance describes the best state of ‘arousal’ or stimulation in which we are able to function and thrive in everyday life.

When we exist within this window, we are able to learn optimally, interact and relate well to ourselves and others. Basically be our best or most ok version of ourselves.

When we move outside of our window we can become hyper-aroused or hypo-aroused and less optimal versions of ourselves.

If you have heard of fight or flight before “fight” is hyper-arousal , think anxiety or panic like symptoms, overactivity in the brain, body and nervous system and “flight” is hypo-arousal, think of an overall shut down, disconnection and fatigue in our brain, body and nervous system.

When we move out of the window of tolerance we become dysregulated. It’s a buzzy way of saying we become out of whack and are not quite our best in control selves.

Now constant dysregulation might be what lands you in a therapist’s office where you can get it under control and start to process and understand why that's happening. For myself, that hyper arousal led to panic attacks in my 20s and got me into therapy , thankfully because it helped in an gazillion ways and inspired my own journey of becoming a therapist.

I've learned what my window tolerance is and what it might look like when I'm having big feelings and reactions and still regulated vs. what it might look like when I am moving into a true hyperarousal state of dysregulation. Which honestly is far rarer these days for myself.

I also importantly learned about emotional regulation, which is our ability to manage, titrate and cope in healthy ways with our feelings and daily stressors. And what works for me , usually quiet, some solo down time to discharge or chill time with my favorite people and lots of compassionate self talk.

Most of us are not in a constant state of dysregulation all the time. But if you've ever seen a TikTok or reel or been sold a course on how to become more regulated and less dysregulated, you would be led to believe we are!

I would argue we are not all dysregulated hot messes but need to learn more about our unique window of tolerances . Help ourselves decipher when we are having real feelings in response to real stressors or when it might be too much causing true hyper or hypo arousal.

This will truly look different for everyone . There is no perfect emotional response and there is no perfect way to cope .

Once we learn about this for ourselves my hope is we can be more accepting and understanding of ourselves and our uniqueness, that we can locate coping mechanisms within and without that work best for us . And ultimately adapt but not totally change in to someone we are not .

For instance, I often get asked how I can sit with people in therapy and not take on all their feelings . I can't always put my finger on it except to say that I have a deep well of patience and ability to be with others in their sadness and fears and anxiety without it pushing me into a state of hyper or hypo arousal. Obviously I have strengthened my skills as a therapist with education and time but I also think it's due to my sensitive temperament that I am able to help others , I get it and can be in it in a tolerable and enjoyable way.

On the other hand, loud noise , lots of people, tons of extroverted energy and chatter and demands all at once and my window of tolerance is far smaller . It’s why certain parts of motherhood are harder for me . Deep one on one talks about feelings and fears and friendships and life (to name a few) though are totally in my zone .

So maybe Zen Mommy isn’t as perfect as I make her seem or maybe she is . What is likely the partial truth is she has a different window of tolerance for certain things in motherhood that I do not . So I can try to stop comparing myself to her, it doesn’t help !

What would happen if you too got curious ? About your limits and strengths , about your illusions and longings and stopped comparing yourself to others who are not you! You are pretty great just as you are, window of tolerance and all.