On grief and letting go. and why your car is always a good place to cry.

Grief . When we think about it in the traditional sense we think about death.

Did you know that in the DSM , the diagnostic statistics manual aka the Bible of mental health diagnoses , it gives people two weeks of what they call bereavement. Bereavement is a short-term grief reaction in response to a death. If it lasts longer than two weeks you are looking at more complicated diagnoses. But really two weeks ! Two weeks and you are still possibly in denial about a loss and not feeling the feels yet.

These are the things that I think about as I drop my littlest one off at camp for the first time. She's three almost 4. I know she's ready. I am not ready to let go.

So when we talk about grief, we're not just talking about death. We're talking about loss, change and transitions . Inevitable parts of life that we all face .

If you're new here , you'll know I talk a lot about high sensitivity and that's because I'm highly sensitive and have spent my time studying and learning more about the trait.

When it comes to grief , highly sensitive people are frankly more sensitive to it . That is because highly sensitive people are characteristically tuned to the passage of time, we feel the nuance of life more intensely and are dialed in to subtle shifts in environment and mood. Sounds kind of romantic if you're the type to romanticize your life.

I'm not, but I am sentimental. And I'm sure I'm not the only parent that on the precipice of a big change , looks at pictures of their little ones each night after they go to sleep, reflecting on how quickly time passes, wishing I could go back for one day when they were littler. Knowing very well that time was not any easier than it is now.

And that's the rub of this phase of life of parenthood for me. I get to watch them grow and develop into real people and it's an absolute gift and also stabs at the heart that the time has gone so quickly (and yes some days so slowly).

So if you're like me, and you acutely feel the passage of time , I have no grand words of advice. The best we can do is try to be present in the moment , good and bad, happy and sad as torturous as they might seem.

And if you yourself are going through a change or a transition, it's the same advice.

What I do know is if we as a culture of people as a society do not allow ourselves the space to process our grief whether it's a death or a change or a transition or some loss, that the grief has nowhere to go.

It shows up in our bodies as stomach aches, headaches and illness . Or it shows up in our minds as depression, anxiety or panic.

We must get more comfortable with slowing down and reflecting. Whether that is in the present moment or later .

People come into therapy overtly and not so overtly asking for permission . I’m not the type to over analyze that . But rather want to create the space of allowance.

So here I am giving you permission and allowance. It is OK to give yourself time to grieve the loss of once was without sugarcoating it.

You don't have to find the silver lining.

You don't need all the answers right now.

You can be sad.

You can be angry.

You can be numb.

You can be whatever it is.

And you do it on your own timeline.

You don't have to take a course or read a book or cope better. When you're going through big transition or loss it's really OK to just survive.

Yes survival is a perfectly acceptable and honorable goal.

And if that gets exhausting, as it certainly does, I advocate for getting extra help so it doesn’t feel so heavy.

But I also know that deep down that we are all truly more capable than we give ourselves credit for .

So these are some small things that help me when I am a little lost, a little overwhelmed or tired of feeling. I get a coffee , listen to a podcast , text a friend, call my Mom or watch a silly little show that helps me get out of my head.

We are all about feel your feelings !

But that is overwhelming for many .

So my goal is to balance feeling your feelings and then finding ways to tuck them away when it all feels like too much .

Start with giving yourself 10 minutes a day to cry, scream, journal whatever .

And then imagine putting all of that into a box in your heart and head and closing it .

And when you're ready, you have the space inside of you that holds the grief AND the space inside of you that can return to the present moment with a sense of gratitude , for all that you have even if it doesn't seem like a lot. Your support , your body, your mind , your home , your children , your pets, your hobbies, your special things , just name to a few .

As my kids get older no doubt I will experience a lot of joy and a lot of grief of what once was. It’s just a given about me .

And sometimes all I can do is sit in my car and cry for 10 minutes and then dust myself off and get myself a coffee.